According to Modern Intimacy, as a society, we still believe that talking about sex is wrong. As stated by the Positive Sexual Relations Report, only 26% of young people feel comfortable discussing subjects surrounding sex with their parents, and 90% use the internet as their primary source of information on the topic. A common reason for the lack of conversation surrounding sex, regardless of age, race, or gender, is the many sexual myths held within communities. To tackle this problem and promote healthy discussions regarding sex, Hims & Hers, the consumer-first platform for health and wellness needs, has released its inaugural study, "Let's Talk About Sex: The 2022 Report." Created from a 7,000-person survey of individuals aged 18-65, the report questioned Americans across all 50 states and aims to debunk nine sex-related myths with its findings. To celebrate the report's launch, Hims & Hers hosted an event at Tuleste Factory in NYC, creatively capturing and engagingly highlighting its key figures.
During the event, many interactive activities took place, including DJ performances and quizzes from RuPaul’s Drag Race stars Violet Chachki and Gottmik. Attendees were also offered the opportunity to engage in “Aural Sex” experiences, provided by audio erotica app Quinn, featuring a plethora of sexual stories to help listeners discover what really turns them on. Guests were also invited to partake in the Let’s Talk About Sex booth, where Hims & Hers experts held conversations around sexual experiences, and gave sexpert opinions.
But what did the report actually find? According to Hims & Hers, Americans are open to exploring their sexuality now more than ever, with 72% expressing interest in new sex trends, and 79% admitting to a change in sexual behaviors since the overturn of Roe v. Wade. The report was split into six sections, with each exploring myths around different themes, going on to present factors that work against these false truths.
More, More, More: How much sex are Americans actually having?
Myth 1: “Everyone’s having more sex than I am.”
It is no surprise that many Americans believe that their peers are having significantly more sex than they are; after all, with the topic still being taboo, how is anyone to know what’s actually happening behind closed doors? In truth, everyone is worried that everyone’s having more sex than them, without any factual evidence.
25% of Americans, consisting of 30% women, 20% men, and 39% nonbinary people, report not having sex in the past month, despite 95% assuming that everyone else has. As well as this, nearly half of Americans, 46%, said they have sex less than once a week on average, yet 75% assume everyone else is doing so at least once weekly.
Dr. Peter Stahl, MD and SVP of Men’s Sexual Health and Urology at Hims & Hers, commented, “There’s incredible variability amongst couples’ sex lives. There are lots of couples who have sex once or twice a month, and they’re super happy with that. And there are other couples for whom not being able to have sex 2, 3, or 4 times a week is really a relationship stressor.” Dr. Denise Asafu-Adjei, Urologist and Medical Advisor for Hims & Hers, agreed, adding, “It’s hard to convince people that there truly isn’t a standard sex life. There is a spectrum and I feel like people have a false sense (that there is a number). It’s really different for everyone.”
Myth 2: “Americans want to have more sex.”
In reality, it appears what Americans really want is to have different sex, as 72% say they wish to explore things they haven’t tried before, with roleplay (31%), and dom/sub (17%) being the highest-ranking desires.
As suggested by sexologist Octavia Vance, one of the main reasons couples are struggling to have different sex is because of a lack of openness between partners and difficulty in being vulnerable in the relationship. Vance says many women she speaks to come to her to address communication issues with their partners, saying things such as “If he would just be more sexually open with me, then I could be more sexually expressive and have a better sex life.” Vance explains that these types of conversations stem from women's fear of judgment from others, especially the judgment of their own husbands. However, the desire for different sex is not a one-sided wish, with Vance confirming that several men also express these aspirations.
On the Basis of Gender: How Men and Women Get It Done
Myth 3: “Men want sex, women want romance.”
The fact of the matter is, everyone, regardless of gender, wants a little tenderness. 32% of men, in comparison to 16% of women, say they prefer sexual fantasies to relationship realities. The sexual fantasy vs reality divide widens with age, as 94% of women over 55 choose relationship realities over sexual fantasies, compared to 72% of men over 55. Moreover, older men are statistically more romantic than younger men. When asked what they cherish more—romance or sleep—53% of boomer men chose romance, as opposed to 60% of Gen Z men, who chose sleep.
Myth 4: “Only women fake orgasms.”
Stereotypically, women are the only ones who struggle to orgasm, and men struggle not to. However, 45% of Gen Z and millennial men and 52% of nonbinary people say they fake orgasms from time to time. Additionally, more than a quarter of men (28%) and 50% of nonbinary people say they struggle to reach orgasm without the help of a sex toy or masturbation, almost the same percentage as women (36%). According to Caroline Spiegel, CEO and founder of Quinn, many people feel orgasming is important because it is seen as “a biological cue that there was a success.”
However, the pressure of orgasming can often be the reason the event never occurs, with Spiegel adding, “The more you think about orgasming, the less likely you are to do it.” 30% of men and woman agree, stating that sex stresses them out. The problem is an even bigger stressor for nonbinary individuals, with 40% agreeing sex stresses them out, and 31% saying the inability to orgasm is a result of this stress.
A large contributing factor to lack of orgasms for Americans comes from the lack of knowledge surrounding the way each gender reaches climax. For men, 58% orgasm from penetrative sex, as opposed to 53% of women, and 68% of nonbinary people who reach orgasm through masturbation. First-times also varied, with 68% of men, and 64% of nonbinary people stating they experienced their first orgasm in their teens, in contrast to women, of which 56% didn’t experience their first until their twenties or later. As well as this, women are almost twice as likely to reach orgasm with a sex toy (44%) than men (24%), and 40% of nonbinary people say they have difficulty reaching orgasm without a sex toy.
Sex for the Ages: The Stats on Generational Gaps
Myth 5: “Male sexual dysfunction happens after 40.”
86% of Americans believe that sexual dysfunction is directly related to age, with 23% believing sexual dysfunction for men cannot occur before the age of 40. However, as Dr. Lawrence Jenkins, Urologist and Medical Advisor for Hims & Hers, asserts, “It’s a condition that affects men of all ages.” Backing this up, 33% of male Hims & Hers consumers with erectile dysfunction are between the ages of 25 and 40, with 45% under 45. Jenkins believes that the percentage of men who suffer from sexual dysfunction could be underreported, as not every man with the condition seeks help. “I’d say almost 100% of guys have had at least one bad encounter during sex when things didn’t work right,” he adds.
Jenkins’ theory is entirely correct, with 66% of men reporting they had experienced at least one sexual dysfunction in the past year, 19% due to low sex drive, 17% due to performance anxiety, and 13% due to erectile dysfunction. While there is a connection between age and sexual dysfunction, with 70% of boomer men reporting sexual dysfunction compared to 57% of Gen Z men, the data solidifies that the issue isn’t nearly as age-dependent as many believe it to be.
55% of Gen Z men and 46% of boomer men feel that sexual performance medication holds a stigma within society. As a result, 39% of Gen Z men, compared to 30% of boomer men, say they feel isolated at times because of an aspect of their sex lives, such as medical issues. Jenkins feels that the stigma surrounding mens’ inability to sexually perform erodes at the concept of masculinity, and is tied to a long-standing, outdated mentality. “Our society has pushed men to be the manliest men possible. Guys don’t go to the doctor for chest pain, they don’t go to the doctor for diabetes. But when they have problems getting an erection—that’s when they become concerned,” he concludes.
Myth 6: “Older women don’t want to have sex.”
The truth is, older women do want to have sex, but they aren’t. There is an overall sex gap between men and women, with 26% of women not having sex, compared to 15% of men. While some may think this gap is as a result of a higher number of men having sex with men instead of women, this is not the case, as 87% of men surveyed described themselves as heterosexual. The reality is that as women get older, they begin to have less sex, but not out of choice. Women under the age of 45 report having roughly the same amount of sex as men their age are having, and the sex gap begins to widen as women age. While many may believe this is due to women lacking libido, or as a side effect of menopause, the study shows that 80% of women 45 and over who are not having sex are not happy about it, with 40% of middle-aged women wanting more sex.
“The idea that women have low libidos and men have high libidis is absurd. There are many postmenopausal women with super-high libidos who love sex and have great orgasms. I have many male patients with very low libidos who are wishing their libidos were higher for their partners,” says Dr. Rachel Rubin, urologist and sexual medicine specialist.
As suggested by the report, the lack of women having sex is arguably amplified by sex being a more male-oriented experience, a belief ingrained in societal norms. Caroline Spiegel adds, “A lot of women I talk to learned sex as a series of how-tos (for men). Not what feels good for them, but rather ‘This is how you give a blow job,’ or ‘This is how you make the man orgasm.’” This begs the question, are older women having less sex because they have yet to fully explore (or prioritize) their changing sexual desires and needs?
Myth 7: “The sexual revolution ended in the ’70s.”
While it may be hard to believe, after the turning of Roe v. Wade left many feeling they had no choice when it came to their bodies, Gen Z women are overturning sexual precedents, and making their own rules, progressing a sexual revolution. A great example is porn, frequently seen as a primarily male pastime: today nearly as many Gen Z women have watched porn alone in the past year (39%) as have Gen Z men (43%). This statistic greatly differed for older generations, however, with only 8% of boomer women watching porn alone in the past year, compared to 51% of boomer men. This isn’t due to life stage either, as 32% of boomer women state they’ve never watched porn, compared to 18% of Gen Z women.
It is suggested that the reason for this shift in attitude towards porn from women is a result of a changing shift in attitudes towards sexuality. Statistically speaking, Gen Z women are the most sexually explorative age group, with 45% identifying as heterosexual, and 75% being interested in one or more sexual trends, which is double the interest of older women, at 32%. “Gen Z women want to understand their own fantasies more,” Spiegel comments. “They’re curious, they’re intellectual, they’re political, and it's cool.”
Margot Weiss, Professor of American Studies and Anthropology at Wesleyan University, suggests that Gen Z women are creating a much better society when it comes to sex and sexual positivity. “It’s a more fluid time than this mythical past when there were only hard-core normative people and radical fringe people,” she states. Essentially, Gen Z women are shaking up a sexual revolution by disregarding the heteronormative status quo.
Anxiety: Opening the Incognito Tab on Porn
Myth 8: “Porn turns men on.”
Truthfully, porn stresses men out more than turning them on. 32% of Americans say the majority of their sex education comes from pornography, yet medical professionals say that porn provides more of a mis-education. 53% of men questioned said that porn changed their perception of sex entirely, as well as their perception of how long they should last and how erect they should be. Of course, porn is not something only consumed by men; however, it has been stereotypically labeled as “by men, for men” over the years. As stated by the report, mainstream visualizations of porn often make the woman a character provided for mens’ pleasure. “Pornography can be problematic if it’s someone’s barometer for what their sex life could be,” Dr. Asafu-Adjei states.
As well as the issue of women being presented as sexual beings for men, there is also a concern around the correlation between compulsive porn consumption and erectile dysfunction; with men unable to become aroused in real-life scenarios as a result of them not being similar enough to porn. With this issue comes fear for future generations, as exaggerated versions of sex played out in porn are becoming much more problematic, as well as more easily accessible. With 35% of Gen Z men saying sex stresses them out, in comparison to 13% of baby boomers, the unsurprising statistic that 54% of Gen Z men feel porn has changed their perception of sex, compared to 37% of baby boomer men, is also presented.
The report suggests that it can be difficult to draw a line between the porn an individual watches and the sex life they have. “I think that the relationship between fantasy porn and reality sex is not a binary,” says Weiss. “While it’s true that what you want to watch in porn is not necessarily what you want to do in your actual life, it’s also not the case that fantasy is disconnected from actual life. It’s not just a totally different realm that has no relationship to the real world,” she continues. Essentially, there is a blurred line confusing America with what is and isn’t normal during sex as a result of porn, which ultimately is leading to many Americans feeling stressed when it comes to sexual interactions. “We need to have normalized conversations with young men about sex not only so that they know what to expect, but also so they don’t look to a fantasy as a benchmark to what they should be,” says Dr. Asafu-Adjei.
Take It Off: Unmasking How the Pandemic Affects Sex
Myth 9: “Social distancing slowed down our sex lives.”
Correctly speaking, social distancing switched up Americans’ sex lives and changed them forever. The impact of COVID-19 on the country’s mental, physical, and medical health shows that trepidations towards post-pandemic sex don’t just entail social distancing slowing down sex lives and the awkwardness of re-entry into the dating scene.
While some were making banana bread, others were switching up their sex lives. 79% of Americans said that during the pandemic, they became more experimental, discovered their kinks, and learned about new sex topics and trends. What also changed was the nation’s perceptions of sex, and the value it holds within our lives. 17% said they value sex more than they did pre-pandemic, with 16% admitting that their sex life has become more important to their mental health. Many also reported that the pandemic allowed them to care more for their sexual, as well as general, health, with telehealth platforms and phone appointments adding additional ways to connect with healthcare professionals discreetly and on their own terms. This information is a huge progression for America, as 35% said they had never spoken to their healthcare provider about sexual well-being beforehand, as a result of not feeling comfortable doing so. In short, the pandemic actually benefited many peoples’ sex lives as opposed to the decline and downfall most predicted.
The Truth Is: Where Do We Go from Here?
Truth: “Americans are suddenly less confident in their sexual freedoms.”
Regardless of where people's political opinions lie, the overturning of Roe v. Wade has left several Americans even more confused about their sexual rights. Many are struggling to understand why abortion rights that have been legal for so many years suddenly don’t exist anymore, and what’s worse, the majority of the country (64%) are pro-choice, meaning the bulk of American citizens are forced to live under laws they do not agree with.
Despite 82% of Americans believing women should have the right to an abortion, with 60% agreeing the option should be regardless of the circumstances, and 22% somewhat agreeing, the law is set in stone. The overturn has sparked fear across the country, with 72% feeling as if this is just the beginning, and soon, other basic sexual rights will be taken away or altered to an unfair level. Gender equality, a women’s rights to birth control, same sex marriages, transgender rights, and IVF access, to name a few, are all topics that many feel could be at risk of being negatively impacted. With such worries looming, the overturn of Roe v. Wade has left 40% of Americans concerned, 37% angry, 22% nervous, and 21% confused. In response, 69% feel that healthcare brands should take a stance against the law change, and 86% believe that healthcare companies have a key role to play in offering reproductive support such as therapy and providing free birth control. “We’re beginning to see people focusing on topics related to sexuality that nobody ever talked about before. I think that’s a fantastic development,” says Dr Beth Pausic, Clinical Psychologist and Director of Behavioral Health at Hims & Hers.
Ultimately, it is clear that Americans have a lot of feelings towards sex, whether they be positive or negative. From the Hims & Hers report, it is clear that the struggle many face when it comes to sex is lack of communication. With no one speaking about sex, no one knows what’s really going on. If the conversation around sex became more normalized, many would no longer feel in the dark. However, until that happens, many are left unsure of how much sex is “normal,” as well as being worried about what their partner wants, being unable to navigate what is normal between fantasy and reality, and being more likely to reach out to a professional if they need help in any of these areas. As Dr. Pausic mentions, Americans are focusing on sexual topics more frequently and openly, creating positive outcomes such as an increase in sexual health checkups. Moving forward, especially at a time where many feel their sexual rights are in jeopardy, it is vital to normalize topics of pleasure and concern, as well as what can be changed during sex. Working towards a better understanding of these topics will eventually result in a much safer, happier, and healthier America.
